Learnd Accomplishments

Funeral service school was a strange lesson in rivalry where any amount of prior experience in the field-especially in embalming-was noted, bragged about, outdone. You couldn’t raise an artery without a grudging classmate murmuring somewhere behind you that the incision was too big or it took you too long.
And when it came to numbers well, you better up yours by at least double because half the class has already far exceeded that in their sleep being that it was 3AM and they had already dealt with 4 other bodies that same night.
Yes, all college programs have their share of over-achieving amateurs but there is something different about the kids in funeral service. It can be seen more clearly through the case of CJD. Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (Duh! Oh sorry, we’re not in class here) is a prion-not a virus-that makes the brain turn to sponge and is invariably fatal. Also known as Mad-Cow Disease for humans. It is also Highly Contagious. Even after death. So it’s got that sexy-forbidden thing going on as far as embalming cases go, meaning you have to be extra careful and sanitary-like always, right? Regardless of how much time you spend preparing for a potential CJD case, you aren’t likely to see one as it’s supposedly very rare, occurring in about 1 in 1 million people each year. I say supposedly because I dealt with a CJD case once before I went into the funeral program and when I got there, 4 other people claimed to have embalmed one, too! This is because 1) they really did have a case (not likely) or 2) they were of the sort I mentioned above, succumbing to wild lies to prove their backroom experience. So how do you know I’m not lying? Maybe I am. Maybe I got lied to by my embalming manager so I’d wear my protective clothing and wash my hands and instruments afterwards instead of just leaving bloody piles around the backroom when I was finished so I could go eat a steak.

Learnd Illusions

Embalming is not a perfect science but damn close to it when done properly. Impossible restoration can be achieved if the embalmer cares enough to do it correctly. Unfortunatly this is not always the case and being the egalitarian site that this is, I’m dedicating this post to some of the more awful cases I’ve heard of. This is by no means a comphresive list. I welcome your own experiences to share.

1) An girl in upstate Wisconsin was killed in a car accident when her vehicle swerved off the side of the road and down a steep incline. A tree limb smashed through the front window and in embalmer merely combed her hair in front of her face to ‘mask’ the damage done by the tree.

2) An elderly woman died in Michigan and the embalming left her arms pointing straight over her head. The embalmer was eventually able to put her arms into a position where it looked as though she was just reading in bed. The family sued anyway.

3) A Wisconsin woman died from a lengthy illness and appeared presentable in her casket. That is, until her son gave her a kiss on her cheek and she began to purge a sluggish brown liquid down the sides of her face and onto the white satin lining.

4) An autopsied man in Bronx, NY was laid out with a large hole behind his right ear that oozed blood onto the pillow and had visible cranial sutures holding a flap of skin across his hairline. In this case, the family also sued.

Learnd Re-learn

It is generally a good idea to assume that family members know little about your business. Providing basic instructions and answers to common questions in a brief information sheet can be very effective in putting a family at ease, especially those who are new to the experience and unfamiliar with your organization, personnel, and way of conducting business.
-Elite Continuing Education

Learnd Amendment

You’re not interested in listening to her give her speech but she’s looking right at you with concern or apprehension;it’s hard to tell which it is. What her furrowed brow can’t explain her mouth does; she hasn’t stopped talking since you both started the program last fall. No one in the class wants to hear any more out of her and indeed she is as obnoxious as they come-women that is. She confides in you-“I’m nervous to give my presentation.” You scoff. Nervous? The guy sitting next to you rolls his eyes and you chide her for showing weakness-“Just get up there and do it, what’s so hard about that? No one here cares.”
She begins- “I just want to start by saying I only use regular tampons, not the super absorbent ones.” She says this with the utmost concern. You lurch forward in you chair.
She continues. “Each year, women die from Toxic Shock Syndrome as a result of leaving tampons in for longer than their intended period. Of time. I mean, not longer than their actual period, but longer than they are supposed to be used- each tampon should be removed after 4 hours to be safe.”
You’ve never heard anyone talk about this before. You’re not sure you want to hear any more.
“Embalming a woman who has died from toxic shock syndrome presents special challenges to the embalmer when it comes to selecting chemicals and restorative measures. Often the woman will have extensive skin irritation, purge from the build up of toxins in the body and can also lose her finger and toenails. Its important to embalm as quickly after death as possible to prevent further decay and tissue damage.”
She made her case clear and effective. No one forgot what she said that day.
(Note: The galley I read of the above-pictured book featured an image of Tina Fey where Michelle Obama is; I’d say it is a well-advised switch)

Learnd Distress

I was so eager to meet the decedent’s family this morning that I waited at the front door for nearly twenty minutes to welcome them. They had preplanned a three-hour visitation and Catholic service for their elderly mother the week before. When the daughter and son-in-law arrived, I greeted them and asked how they were holding up. They expressed their shock at how quickly their mother had died after preplanning her funeral and that they were never going to preplan again, for fear of the bad luck it had brought them. Sensitive to their superstition, I wondered to myself if they were still interested in the Catholic service they had planned or if a Haitian Voodoo service would be more meaningful. To my surprise, they still wanted the Catholic service, despite their earlier misgivings.

As they picked out the final memorial items and went through the clothing they had brought in, I carefully documented all of the items. There was quite a bit of jewelry that they wanted their mother to be wearing, as well as specific instructions about her make-up. The daughter explained that the picture they had brought to use for cosmetics purposes was old and at one point detested by the decedent herself, and she began to wonder if she should bring in a more recent and well-liked picture. I assured her that it would not be necessary; that our embalming staff was very good at recognizing and enhancing natural beauty.

Learnd Piece

It is important to note that no matter how  elevated the drug content is in a persons bloodstream at the time of death, it is nothing compared to the amount of chemical injected into their veins to preserve them for even the briefest viewing.

In todays case, we focus on  fixing post-mortem skin conditions and the internal damage of drug abuse in order to achieve preservation.  If the dead can teach us anything, its that it is best to be familiar with the chemicals we are using in order to avoid dire circumstances.  We live in a multiple-agent chemotherapeutic age,  so it is appropriate that multiple-agent mixtures be used to treat the conditions brought on by it.  The main chemical of the mixture is not formaldehyde, but a weaker version known as formalin.  Formalin contains alcohol & formaldehyde; the presence of alcohol makes sure the formaldehyde does not settle.  It is VERY soluable is water and extremely reactive.  Drug abuse causes renal failure, which causes a build up of waste in the body which neutralizes the formaldehydes.  So a stronger arterial solution must be used; no preinjection, as it may cause the tissues to swell.

Because the body was soaking in a bathtub when found, then placed in a cooler until preparation, the tissues are likely to be dehydrated with large amounts of livor mortis.  We’ll include some chemicals that will heighten the internal cosmetic effect, such as a strong surfactant enabling the mixture to flow through smaller aperatures (like restricted veins) helping to clear up any unsightly stains on the surface of the skin. We’ll keep the rate of injection uncharacteristically controlled, as we don’t want the osmotic pressure to be so great that it damages the already delicate tissue.

Learnd Business as Usual

The embalming room door has  been swinging off its hinges lately as the bodies continue to roll on through it.  A few posts are in the works back there as your trusty embalmer writes this, so be patient family.  The posts themselves are messy, oozing at their lackluster seams; I’m trying to effectively and efficiently tear them apart and suture whats left of the contents.   A couple have holes right through the their middle  and will require more attention.  Be back soon for the viewing.

Learnd Condition

The preparation of a person who has had plastic surgery combined with a long illness that involved large doses of drugs, such as chemotherapy during cancer treatment can be lengthy, as the tissue is most likely going to need as much time as possible to absorb the conditioning fluid which would hydrate, temporarily, the remains while also giving it a more life-like appearance.  Depending on what the remains had endured during their life, the drainage from the vascular system may not be as significant as one would hope, but the remaining fluid can be removed by thorough aspiration once the chemical preparation is finished.  At that point, whatever plastic surgery has been enacted may proved to be advantageous, as the features may set themselves, meaning very little restorative techniques will be used.

Learnd Absence

Been away awhile, Learnd readers.  I have no reasons to offer except this quote from Bolano’s 2666, which sums it up quite nicely. 

“In the earlier days, this reply would have outraged me, but thanks God I was living a new life.  I remarked that working in a morgue must surely prompt wise or at least original reflections on the human fate. He looked at me as if I were mocking him or speaking French. I insisted. These surroundings, I said, with a gesture that encompassed the whole morgue, are in a certain way the ideal place to contemplate the brevity of life, the unfathomable fate of mankind, the futility of earthly strife.
“With a shudder of horror, I was suddenly aware I had been talking to him as if he were the great German writer and this was the conversation we’d never have.  I don’t have much time, he said. I looked him in the eye again. There could be no doubt about it: he had the eyes of my idol. And his reply, I don’t have much time. How many doors it opened! How many paths it suddenly cleared, revealed to me!
“I don’t have much time, I have to haul corpses. I don’t have much time, I have to breathe, eat, drink, sleep. I don’t have much time, I have to keep the gears meshing. I don’t have much time, I’m busy living. I don’t have much time, I’m busy dying. As you can imagine, there were no more questions.  I helped him open the locker. I wanted to help him slide the corpse in, but my clumsiness was such that the sheet slipped and then I saw the face of the corpse and I closed my eyes and bowed my head and let him work in peace.”

Back with more soon!

Learnd Connections

I’m a funeral director.  Or, I was.  It depends on who you ask.  My old coworkers would scoff in disgust if I made the claim now; they’d roll their eyes behind my back and tell stories about the times they did more work than me, about how they’ve seen more of the worst that life has to offer.  And they’d be right; I’m no longer a funeral director to them.   I haven’t woken up in the middle of the night, sometimes six or seven different times, to clean up the mess death has made all over the city, out in the country, around the county.  I haven’t spent an entire Saturday in the basement prep room embalming body after body as they were rolled in and presented to me.  I haven’t stood in the back of a church, distractedly waiting for a sign to signal how soon this will all be over so we can proceed with the burial.    I haven’t done these jobs in over a year. 

Not that I haven’t tried but times are tough and unemployment is rough; rough as you want it to be, rougher some days, gentle others; options, you’ve got ‘em when it comes to how you spend your unpaid time and speaking of rough, isn’t pornography the number one past time, the highest grossing industry, the most widely understood visual art form in this country, if not the world? Oh it is? Well, then I guess I have no problem admitting that this is precisely where I find my mind during these days of idle genius.   Anyone else notice the funeral industry appearing more and more in the porn industry these days? Hell, just last night on Rock of Love Charm School (do not ask) one of the strippers got “expelled” and she tearfully accepted her elimination while they played Taps.  When I was getting learned in the ways of funeral directing, we were taught that this was reserved for those with military background only.  Now, I am not one to be a fuddy-duddy about things that subvert our nation’s queasy honors-I actually appreciate such subversions-but it did seem oddly familiar, something that I have observed for some time now.  Now that the two have safely invaded all arenas of pop-culture, the parallels of porn and funerals are more noticeable than ever before.  Ephemeral and revealing of basic emotions, the art of porn and the art of the funeral are merely the same, with a tendency to be lowbrow though not admittingly.  In that respect, it’s almost natural that the two would shake hands now and then. . .